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ToDiEiSgAiNbut
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Name: Clarence
Location: California, United States
Gender: Male
Interests: Jesus, Girls, Music, Writing, Girls and Jesus, um Jesus, and Hockey. I'm a guy and I like girls, don't read into it anymore than that.
Expertise: Well I'm hoping to someday start my own business, real estate, insurance, construction. So i can sell you land, build your house and give you insurance. Triple threat. I also have a heart for missions. Never been on a missions trip, but i want to go to Russia and start a missions agency.
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  Nightzfall13
Member Since:
8/7/2004
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| I have no written on Xanga for about 5 months now. I wish I could tell you a lot has changed, but life is somewhat the same. But I have a job now, its been about 8 months. I am the Manager of Business Relations for Bottom Line Property Management, LLC in Banning. I was hoping for a job in Banning and it only took 8 months, haha. But my boss is 22 and smart as a whip. He owns a few properties downtown and in the process of rehabing them for the effort to bring business and reform downtown Banning. So it has been an interesting 2 weeks on the job.
God has been amazing to me. I'm in School of Ministry at church again, and it should be a great year. God has definitely taken me a long way this year. I can't say that every month has been a great month, but God is instilling faithfulness and consistency into my life. I got amazing words from God over the last 3-4 weeks while an evangelist, Phil, from Australia was here. Most of the words were about entering the ministry, or entering into a deeper relationship with God and the most intriguing was that love was in the air. But I'm just trusting God.
Lastly, I'm going to be doing my best with my friend Liz to begin putting a business together. I'm also thinking about going back to school to get a certificate in Supervision & Management. And hopefully I will be able to start an MBA program of some sort as well. Life is going to get interesting. -Clarence
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| strange title huh! well it has been a strange last week. i got to go home to Illinois, to see my friend's two day old baby, see one of my friend's get married, and enjoy an old relationship re-connected. and as great a time as i had when i was there, i'm coming to resent even going. why? because i didn't realize how much of my life is still in waukegan. actually just how much of my life is back in Illinois and the Midwest period. so many of my friends are going through new phases of life, getting engaged, getting married, having children, finishing master's programs. my family is growing, and my cousins are getting older and having their own kids. one of my cousins has 3 little girls, and i haven't seen him in over a decade. i just met two of his little girls 5 and 3, for the first time. and i just feel so disconnected.
it is not to say that my life in California is bad or anything. but its not the same. i used to balk at the idea of going back home. and then God told me he wants me here. but there is this void almost of longing for home. my relationship with my dad is a lot better now. not to say i would move back in with him, but i just feel the pull of home. but its almost like Illinois and California are parallel universes of one another. in Illinois i have great friends and a family. I would probably be married by now. to an amazing girl no less, that actually likes me and i know it. I could work in a number of places and Waukegan is growing tremendously. could easily find a living out there and a great one at that. It would be a pretty textbook life, with many adventures i'm sure.
but here in California, relationships are hard to manage. friends are hard to be around as much as you would like. two of my best friends are in another state. i haven't worked in 3 months, Banning is dying rather than coming alive. And i know there are good people here. don't get me wrong, but they are good people i can just email. and that probably sounds harsh, but it is the truth of the matter. but the one great thing that sticks out is that i belong to a great church. and therein lies the reason i remain here. i love my church, i love my kids at church. sometimes i wish i could just build a huge commune for my friends to live in with me. just our own town.
but maybe the real reason i am here and not back in Illinois is because there is a greater life for me to live here. my friends always tell me i should come back and i just tell them to move here. something amazing has to happen here in California. if i wanted to live pedestrian i would go back home. and that is no knock on home or anything. cause trust me, my friends and i have many more memories to make. but maybe being here is for me to create something new. i think i'm just going through an identity crisis right now. because i don't know what to expect out of life in California. I knew what to expect in Illinois. my friends are my family and no matter how much time passes between our seeing one another, it'll be like no time ever passed. but God wants me here and here i will remain. maybe Amanda will just move here. but i need a job first. haha. love you guys. -Clarence
p.s. if i offended anyone, my bad.
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| I want to look into your beautiful blue eyes and just tell you how much I Love You! To hold your hand and feel your warmth on my cold hands. To hold you near me so you can know how fast my heart beats for you. To kiss you so you know the pure passion I feel for you.
Yet you're so distant to me now. You turn away when I try to look into your blue eyes. You close your ears when I try to say how deep my love is. My hands remain cold from lack of your touch. My heart still beats fast, but you cannot feel it. And my passion remains unseen.
But this won't last forever. This time apart, this sickness of heart. It cannot and will not last. Because as the sun rises and the stars light up the night sky, so I am lifted up by those blue eyes. I cannot run from this eventuality. I cannot unwish it or pretend as though it is not there. I've treated you bad and as though I didn't need you in the past. But there could be nothing further from the truth. That life wasn't from my heart.
You are the hope I dream of in the midnight hours. You're the face I see when I dream in the light hours. And my dream is not to have you back. The deepest God given desire of my heart, is to have you BRAND NEW!!
-Clarence
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| So i was at Starbucks today and as i was leaving there was a girl sitting next to the trash can. and so she looks up and asks me for change. and i'm one of those people if i have something i will give it. so i went into my car and got a little change. and i'm not telling this story to pat myself on the back. just one of those time where i've been "moved with compassion."
So i used to read that statement, "And Jesus was moved with compassion." and i used to think it was this emotion that overwhelmed Jesus so profoundly that he knew he had to do something. and i used to pray for this when i would see homeless people. if i wasn't "moved with compassion." i would just go by, but if i was "moved with compassion"i would do something within my strength, like give something and walk off. but i notice now that i am no longer "moved with compassion" for the homeless. because i believe being "moved with compassion" is not just a feeling, but it is tapping into God's heart. so when Jesus was "moved with compassion" he was actually seeing through the Father's eyes that he needed to do something for God's children. he didn't just want to feed their bodies, but he wanted to feed their spirits. and i found myself in that place today.
this girl has been living on the streets for 2 years. she is only 20 years old. she decided to take her life to the streets because her mom drinks quite a bit and she does not know her dad. so i decided to do something i wouldn't normally, i sat down with her. i felt God just say to me when i went to my car for change, just minister to her. so after i heard her story i asked her if there was anything i could do for her. so i went into Starbucks and got her a drink. and gave her my number. she knows Jesus. so i just prayed over her God's protection and for her to have a place to stay from tonight on. so i hope you all remember her in your prayers. as i was driving away, something just told me, i was entertaining angel unawares. and that may be so, but i finally know what the bible talks about to be "moved with compassion." and it may or may not have anything to do with the emotion of compassion, but we are called to meet a need, because we are able; but also minister the loving kindness of our Father. -Clarence
p.s. silver and gold have i none, but such as i have to give, in the name of Jesus_________________.
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| I've come to understand soul ties in i think somewhat of a unique way over the last 2 months. most of us think of soul ties as something that comes between a man and wife. and you would most definitely as i understand it, be correct. but, i believe we can have soul ties to people we may never have a "romantic" relationship with. and this has been my case. i've met two someones on superbowl sunday. and at that time i didn't think much of the people, but then we talked and then we became facebook friends and now, they are two ladies i hope to have in my life forever. one of them wants to start a bed and breakfast for missionaries on leave or whatever that term is, taking a vacation. and i want to support her in that. the other wants to be a missionary to sudan and i won't give you her vision, but she is going to do an amazing work there. i already have people i would deem friends in China and Peru right now. and my soul is forever linked to these people. the person who wants to be a missionary to Sudan i find that i already love her because our spirits are in agreement. and we have only talked through email for about a month so far. but i am bound to this person and this person to me for life. and it is strange that i can tell myself that i love someone after only a month, but you know what i'm walking in the spirit and where ever the spirit is involved there is no weirdness in love. a lesson i wish more Christians would come to understand.
a lesson God wanted me to learn a few weeks back before my new friends and i began writing was learning how to be a friend to women. i think most women will agree there are enough guys in this world to chase after you, sometimes you just need a man who can protect you from himself. but guys here is the thing: don't be afraid to be a man. and what i mean by this is: there are women we know we must remain friends with. and i plead with you to stop living in gray areas with women and playing with their emotions (same goes for you ladies). but guys if there is someone you believe the spirit has led you to, pursue her with God. because i've made the mistake--and i would have no one stand in my shoes-- of going after a woman without God. i believed she was for me and so i pursued out of God's timing and now that is no more. but guys start being men and be led by the spirit, not by she has a great butt or do you see how her eyes sparkle, or she has such a great giggle or any other slew of things we can identify with physical qualities. look at her spirit, how she carries herself. this way your soul ties don't get tangled. -Clarence
p.s. if you truly want to learn how to be a man, read your bible. a whole book full of amazing men who lived led by the spirit. and ladies the old testament is full of mighty women, deborah, esther, ruth, the proverbs 31 woman. there is no excuse for any of us to live confused or tangled any longer.
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